So here I am it’s 5:20am on a Sunday morning and whilst I’m supposed to be having a lie in as my husband is entertaining the toddler downstairs, I’m writing a blog post.
Today marks 3 years since I went in to labour with my first born, at 5am (which is strangely enough the time he woke this morning) on the 19th November 2014 I felt my first contraction. It also marks 10 weeks until I’m due to give birth to my second baby. How do I feel about this?
I’ve tried to remain positive this whole pregnancy but small fears are starting to creep in. Let me give you a bit of background info.
When I had my first baby three years ago I was a first time mum not knowing what to expert or how painful labour would be. I had no idea that when I felt that first contraction and got myself all excited triple checking the hospital bag that it would be another three days until I met my bundle of joy. I was in labour for 45.5 hours…sigh.
I had a good labour albeit long, I was happy and off my face on gas and air, and I was actually having a laugh with my husband and my midwife. When I look back now are there things I would change for this labour, yes there are, but I’ll discuss that in another post.
When it came to the birth it was long, I pushed for two and a bit hours and no baby. I had a senior midwife come in to perform an episiotomy (I didn’t need it in the end) and things like heart rate and stress kept getting mentioned, I panicked. I pushed with all my might but I think unfortunately too much might as he came shooting out of me all in one.
He never crowned, I never had that moment of panting whilst the ring of fire happened, he was just born like a rocket. Things are very hazy from this point but doctors came in and anaesthetists came in, I was signing forms and there was talk of tearing and stitches. And off I went.
I held my newborn for 10 minutes and then I was gone for 2 hours. I never got to feed him first, I didn’t get to dress him, didn’t see him getting his newborn checks or his vitamin k injection, I didn’t get that amazing bonding time that is advertised in every pregnancy book across the country.
By the time I came out of theatre I was tired, not Just I’ve been up for 3 days tired but bone tired. My husband and midwife brought my son round to recovery and as I tried to keep my eyes open for some lovely first photos I couldn’t, my body took over and I began to drift. I was taken up to a ward, hubby had to go home and I slept for another 2ish hours.
I lived in a newborn bubble after that, I didn’t worry about what had happened as I had a beautiful family. It’s only now that I’m about to do this all again that the fears are starting to creep in.
My midwife and consultant are great. We’ve discussed what went wrong last time and what we’re going to do differently this time. I’ve been offered a c-section but declined it, I really want to give it a go again and see if I get that perfect time after labour.
But I’ve started to doubt myself, I had a traumatic birth last time there’s no denying that. I had a 4th degree tear and my entire downstairs region was held together with stitches, and there are a number of things that could go wrong this time. What if it all goes wrong again this time?
Every part of me is hoping not, I’m hoping that I can do this, that I can breathe this baby out so as to avoid the risk of tearing again. I’m hoping that if I tear again, it’s a smaller tear that can get stitched in the room so I can still hold my baby and have that precious skin to skin. I’m hoping that I have a shorter labour, and that I don’t have to stop in 3 days after to try and get my iron levels up.
There’s a lot of hope there, and I guess that’s why I’m trying to remain as positive and upbeat about this labour as I can. Who knows what’s going to happen?
I’d love to hear your stories if you’ve been through something similar or are about to try birthing after a severe tear so pop me a line below!